I listen to books on audio a lot.

Sticking earphones in ear in public, or just have it loud and in charge when I’m alone, letting story fill my ears with whatever adventure or storytelling path I may be galivanting down that day.

Usually it’s paved with hearts and edged with sweet rivers of honey, in the romance vein.

No reading peppers in my romance, though.

Hmmm, this square is quite comfortable to be in (An “I’m a square” reference), when there’s no sex to cramp my style.

Or make me blush.

In public!

I mean, how can I casually wave thanks to young buck who holds a door open for me as I am sweeping through a lofty foyer (there are lots of those in Las Vegas), nod serenely to another spandex sporter as we pound pavement while the desert sun rises in blasting fire colors. Ask if I can sit there, on a hard plastic bus butt trough, of a nun-ly knitting woman with wrinkled lace around the eyes and innocence shinning from her smile?

OK, yes that same grey-haired (which I hesitate to use the phrase since I am also quite grey, though I’ve been working on mine since I was thirteen so I am a bit ahead of the curve) will snap at their granddaughters bringing romance paperbacks to them with a “Don’t they have sex in romance novels anymore? These are boring!”

(I’ll take “boring.”)

Maybe there are those of you who find it scandalous to fain nonchalance in public as you listen to the muscle-rippling, bronze skinned Viking God Dirk Valiant enthusiastically pillage the seas of the dainty demeanored Fairy Princess Petal Ripplebrook whose passions have awakened in a tidal wave of fiery fury due to Dirk’s wild-eyed gaze and sexily grimy touch that sets Petal’s skin to flame!

And they are loud about it.

In my ear.

“Dirk, YES! Ravage My Womanly Cave of Pleasure!!!”

“Oh Petal! My SHIP Bucks With Your Inner Storm. I Shall Crash Upon Your Rocks Again and AGAIN!!!”

(Insert ridiculous amounts of moaning, thrashing and unrealistic prose-filled screams.)

Those audio readers really can…get into the moment.

(It’s impressive. And sounds exhausting.)

(I hope they are paid well.)

I do read (and listen to) romance books that have some spice in it. It’s actually hard to find one with more than a couple kisses or behind closed doors type of encounters.

I do fast forward past the sexy scenes.

But it is also frustrating because some of the really good romance writers also do include some relationship building and plot points between thrusts and groans. So sometimes I miss more than I bargain for.

And listening for the plot meaty bits and character/relationship development involves immense amounts of blushing, stuttering and a thirst for ice water to pour down my throat (or over my head).

This is a very different situation than that of mysteries, that I also listen a lot to. The darker ones, though I need my good guys and some kind of “happy” ending.

I do not need, nor want, to deep dive into the psyche of a person that likes to plunge his hatch into women. Again and AGAIN! (Literally).

I don’t want those screams or…OK this is a little less fun to talk about so just going to skip it.

Gross stuff. You get the idea.

So I will fast-forward through those scenes as well, flipping pages or tapping screens, or just toss the book all together if there is too much bad guy point of view and not enough good guy action.

I am a selective reader/listener.

So I am ready. Poised to skip ahead so I can look strangers in the eye without a blush on my cheeks, rosy ear-tips or an awkward stuttering.

Or the worst—confusing reality with the sexual circus happening in my ears.

“…and would you like fries with that?”

“Oh, YES!!!”